Best lawyer/Insurance story of the year
This took place in Charlotte North Carolina ...
A lawyer purchased a box of 24 very rare and expensive cigars, then insured them against, among other things, fire.
Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of these great cigars, the lawyer filed a claim against the insurance company. In his claim, the lawyer stated the cigars were lost 'in a series of small fires.'
The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason, that the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion.
The lawyer sued and WON!
Stay with me...
Delivering the ruling, the judge agreed with the insurance company that the claim was frivolous..The judge stated nevertheless, that the lawyer held a policy from the company, in which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure them against fire, without defining what is considered to be unacceptable 'fire' and was obligated to pay the claim.
Rather than endure lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the ruling and paid $15,000 to the lawyer for his loss of the cigars that perished in the 'fires'.
Now for the best part...
After the lawyer cashed the cheque, the insurance company had him arrested on 24 counts of ARSON!!!
With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used against him, the lawyer was convicted of intentionally burning his insured property and was sentenced to 24 months in jail and a $24,000 fine.
This true story won First Place in last year's Criminal Lawyers Award Contest.
ONLY IN AMERICA!!!!!
Credit cruch jokes
What's the capital of Iceland?
About £3.50
How do you define optimism?
A banker who irons five shirts on a Sunday
Why have estate agents stopped looking out of the window in the morning?
Because otherwise they'd have nothing to do in the afternoon
What's the difference between an investment banker and a large pizza?
The pizza can still feed a family of four.
What's the difference between an investment banker and a pigeon?
The pigeon is still capable of leaving a deposit on a new Ferrari.
A lobbyist on his way home from Parliament is stuck in traffic. Noticing a police officer, he winds down his window and asks: 'What's the hold-up?' The policeman replies: 'The Prime Minister is so depressed he's stopped his motorcade and is threatening to douse himself with petrol and set himself on fire. 'He says no one believes he can get us through the credit crunch. So we're taking up a collection for him.' The lobbyist asks: 'How much have you got so far?' The officer replies: 'About 40 gallons, but a lot of people are still siphoning.'
The credit crunch has helped me get back on my feet. The car's been repossessed.
Latest news: The Isle of Dogs bank has collapsed. They've called in the retrievers.
Lawyer jokes
What do you get when you cross a lawyer with an Essex girl?
Nothing - There are some things an Essex girl just won't do!
What does a lawyer use for birth control?
His personality!
How can you tell when a lawyer is lying?
His lips are moving!
If you are stranded on a desert island with the devil, a tiger, and a lawyer, and you have a gun with only two bullets, who do you shoot?
The lawyer…. twice, to make sure he’s dead!
Why did God make snakes just before lawyers?
To practice.
What happens when a lawyer takes Viagra?
He gets taller.
What’s the difference between a lawyer and a catfish?
One is a scum sucking bottom feeder...and the other one is a fish!!!!
What's the difference between a good lawyer and a great lawyer?
A good lawyer knows the law….. A great lawyer knows the judge!
What do you call 10,000 dead lawyers at the bottom of the ocean?
A good start!
What's the difference between a lawyer and a leech?
A leech quits sucking your blood after you die.
What's the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead lawyer in the road?
There are skid marks in front of the dog.
What's black and brown and looks good on a lawyer?
A Doberman.
What did the lawyer name his daughter?
Sue
What can a goose do, that a duck can’t, that a lawyer should?
Stick their bill up their ass.
What do you get when you cross a librarian with a lawyer?
All the information you need - but you can't understand a word of it.
What do honest lawyers and UFO's have in common?
You always hear about them, but you never see them!
How many lawyers does it take to change a lightbulb?
None, they'd rather keep their clients in the dark.
What’s the difference between lawyers and accountants?
At least accountants know they’re boring!
What's the first thing you do after running over a lawyer?
Back up!
Why should lawyers be buried 100 feet deep?
Because deep down, they're really good people.
How do you save a drowning lawyer?
Take your foot off his head.
What does a lawyer and a sperm have in common?
Both have about a 1 in 3 million chance of becoming a human being.
What is the difference between a lawyer and a herd of buffalo?
The lawyer charges more.
Why did the post office recall the new lawyer stamps?
Because people could not tell which side to spit on.
Why does the Law Society prohibit sex between lawyers and their clients?
To prevent clients from being billed twice for essentially the same service.
What's the difference between a good lawyer and a bad lawyer?
A bad lawyer can let a case drag out for several years. A good lawyer can make it last even longer.
Why did the lawyer cross the road?
To sue the chicken on the other side of course!
How do you tell the difference between a lawyer and a bulldog?
The bulldog generally has enough sense to know when to let go.
What is the only thing your lawyer isn’t willing to postpone?
Your bill!
"It was so cold last winter that I actually saw a lawyer with his hands in his own pockets!"
A lorry driver hated lawyers so much that whenever he saw one he would run him over. One day, he picked up a priest who was hitch-hiking. On their way into town, the driver spotted a lawyer on the pavement, and drove straight towards him to knock him down. The priest, alarmed by such driving, opened the door as if to jump out. Suddenly the driver remembered who was in the truck with him and, at the last moment, swerved to miss the lawyer. "I am sorry, Father" he confessed. "I almost hit that lawyer". The priest smiled and said, "Don’t worry son. I got the ba**ard with the door!"
One day, a wealthy, well respected lawyer was getting into his expensive BMW, when a big bus came past and ripped the open door clean off his car. When the police arrived minutes later, they found the poor man in tears. He complained to the police, “my car - it's ruined". To which the policeman replied, "do you know, I hate you lawyer people - you're so materialistic. You've just lost your arm in an accident and you are more worried about your car". The lawyer looked round and yelled "Oh no!!! - MY ROLEX!!!"
A very rich lawyer is approached by a charity worker who is concerned that the lawyer didn't donate any money to charity, despite making over £1m that year.
"First of all," says the lawyer, "my mother is bedridden and gets no help from social services! Second, I have five kids through three divorce marriages. Third, my sister's husband recently died and she has no one to support her four children."
"Oh I'm terribly sorry," says the charity worker, "I feel bad about asking for your money now"
"So you should" replies the lawyer. "If I'm not giving them any money, why should I give you any?"
A lawyer was attending a sold-out Broadway show. The woman sitting behind him asked why the seat next to him was empty. The lawyer explained that his wife couldn't make it. When the woman asked if he didn't have relatives or friends who could have used the seat, he replied, "They're all at her funeral".
Three surgeons were discussing their favourite type of patients. The first said, "I like librarians. When you cut them open, everything is located by a numbering system".
The second said, "I like engineers. All their parts are colour coded".
The third surgeon said, "The easiest are Lawyers. They are heartless, brainless and spineless, have only two parts, their mouths and their backsides, and both are interchangeable".
A traffic warden, a thief and a lawyer die in a plane crash and go up to Heaven's gates together.
When they get there they are stopped by St. Peter, who says: "Sorry, it's crowded up here, you need to answer a question correctly, or else you can't come in".
He looks at the traffic warden, and asks, "What was the name of the famous ocean-liner that sank after hitting an iceberg?"
"Oh, that's easy", the traffic warden replies, "The Titanic”……So St. Peter lets her into Heaven.
Next he turns to the petty thief and asks, "How many people died on that ship?". "Oooh, that's tough, but I saw the movie, and I think it was 1,500"….. St. Peter steps away and the thief walks into Heaven.
Finally, St. Peter turns to the lawyer and says, "Name them!".
A lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates. To his dismay, there were thousands of people ahead of him in line. To his surprise, St. Peter left his desk at the gate and came down the long line to where the lawyer was, and greeted him warmly. Then St. Peter and one of his assistants took the lawyer by the hands and guided him up to the front of the line, and into a comfortable chair by his desk. The lawyer said, "I don't mind all this attention, but what makes me so special?"….St. Peter replied, "Well, I've added up all the hours for which you billed your clients, and by my calculation you must be about 193 years old!"
A defence lawyer says to his client: "I've got good news and bad news. The bad news is your blood test came back and the DNA is an exact match with the sample found on the victim's shirt."
"Damn," says the client. "What's the good news?"
"Your cholesterol is down to 140"
Two lawyers were walking along negotiating a case "Look", said one, "let's be honest with each other".
"OK, you first", replied the other.
That was the end of the discussion.
Three partners of a firm were attending a convention out of town. As the plane carried them to their destination, one of the partners gulped and told the second partner, "Oh my gosh, I forgot to lock the safe". The third partner said, "There's nothing to worry about. All three of us are here!"
A local newspaper mistakenly printed an obituary for the town's oldest practicing lawyer. The lawyer called them immediately and threatened to sue unless they printed a retraction. The next day, the following notice appeared: "We regret that the report of Attorney Smith's death was in error".
Two small boys meet on their first day at school. "What does your daddy do?" asks Billy.
"My daddy’s a postman,’ says Tommy. "What does your daddy do?"
"My daddy’s a lawyer," says Billy.
"Honest?" says Tommy.
"No, just the usual sort!"
A man walked into a lawyer’s office and asked what the charges were - "£300 for three questions".
"Isn’t that a bit steep?" asked the man.
"Yes," said the lawyer. "And your third question?"
These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.
ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husbandsaid to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's twenty, much like your IQ.
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you joking me?
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid
ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town, I'm going with male.
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
And the best for last:
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?>
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.
Finally, remember……old lawyers never die - they just lose their appeal!
Feel free to email us your jokes to elouise.yeo@follettstock.co.uk
