Legal Laughs
What do you get when you cross a lawyer with an Essex girl?
Nothing - There are some things an Essex girl just won't do!
What does a lawyer use for birth control?
His personality!
How can you tell when a lawyer is lying?
His lips are moving!
If you are stranded on a desert island with the devil, a tiger, and a lawyer, and you have a gun with only two bullets, who do you shoot?
The lawyer…. twice, to make sure he’s dead!
The lawyer…. twice, to make sure he’s dead!
Why did God make snakes just before lawyers?
To practice.
What happens when a lawyer takes Viagra?
He gets taller.
What’s the difference between a lawyer and a catfish?
One is a scum sucking bottom feeder...and the other one is a fish!!!!
One is a scum sucking bottom feeder...and the other one is a fish!!!!
What's the difference between a good lawyer and a great lawyer?
A good lawyer knows the law….. A great lawyer knows the judge!
A good lawyer knows the law….. A great lawyer knows the judge!
What do you call 10,000 dead lawyers at the bottom of the ocean?
A good start!
A good start!
What's the difference between a lawyer and a leech?
A leech quits sucking your blood after you die.
A leech quits sucking your blood after you die.
What's the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead lawyer in the road?
There are skid marks in front of the dog.
There are skid marks in front of the dog.
What's black and brown and looks good on a lawyer?
A Doberman.
A Doberman.
What did the lawyer name his daughter?
Sue
Sue
What can a goose do, that a duck can’t, that a lawyer should?
Stick their bill up their ass.
What do you get when you cross a librarian with a lawyer?
All the information you need - but you can't understand a word of it.
What do honest lawyers and UFO's have in common?
You always hear about them, but you never see them!
How many lawyers does it take to change a lightbulb?
None, they'd rather keep their clients in the dark.
What’s the difference between lawyers and accountants?
At least accountants know they’re boring!
At least accountants know they’re boring!
"It was so cold last winter that I actually saw a lawyer with his hands in his own pockets!"
What's the first thing you do after running over a lawyer?
Back up!
Back up!
Why should lawyers be buried 100 feet deep?
Because deep down, they're really good people.
Because deep down, they're really good people.
How do you save a drowning lawyer?
Take your foot off his head.
Take your foot off his head.
What does a lawyer and a sperm have in common?
Both have about a 1 in 3 million chance of becoming a human being.
Both have about a 1 in 3 million chance of becoming a human being.
What is the difference between a lawyer and a herd of buffalo?
The lawyer charges more.
The lawyer charges more.
Why did the post office recall the new lawyer stamps?
Because people could not tell which side to spit on.
Because people could not tell which side to spit on.
Why does the Law Society prohibit sex between lawyers and their clients?
To prevent clients from being billed twice for essentially the same service.
To prevent clients from being billed twice for essentially the same service.
What's the difference between a good lawyer and a bad lawyer?
A bad lawyer can let a case drag out for several years. A good lawyer can make it last even longer.
A bad lawyer can let a case drag out for several years. A good lawyer can make it last even longer.
Why did the lawyer cross the road?
To sue the chicken on the other side of course!
To sue the chicken on the other side of course!
How do you tell the difference between a lawyer and a bulldog?
The bulldog generally has enough sense to know when to let go.
The bulldog generally has enough sense to know when to let go.
What is the only thing your lawyer isn’t willing to postpone?
Your bill!
Your bill!
A lorry driver hated lawyers so much that whenever he saw one he would run him over. One day, he picked up a priest who was hitch-hiking. On their way into town, the driver spotted a lawyer on the pavement, and drove straight towards him to knock him down. The priest, alarmed by such driving, opened the door as if to jump out. Suddenly the driver remembered who was in the truck with him and, at the last moment, swerved to miss the lawyer. "I am sorry, Father" he confessed. "I almost hit that lawyer". The priest smiled and said, "Don’t worry son. I got the ba**ard with the door!"
One day, a wealthy, well respected lawyer was getting into his expensive BMW, when a big bus came past and ripped the open door clean off his car. When the police arrived minutes later, they found the poor man in tears. He complained to the police, “my car - it's ruined". To which the policeman replied, "do you know, I hate you lawyer people - you're so materialistic. You've just lost your arm in an accident and you are more worried about your car". The lawyer looked round and yelled "Oh no!!! - MY ROLEX!!!"
A very rich lawyer is approached by a charity worker who is concerned that the lawyer didn't donate any money to charity, despite making over £1m that year.
"First of all," says the lawyer, "my mother is bedridden and gets no help from social services! Second, I have five kids through three divorce marriages. Third, my sister's husband recently died and she has no one to support her four children."
"Oh I'm terribly sorry," says the charity worker, "I feel bad about asking for your money now"
"So you should" replies the lawyer. "If I'm not giving them any money, why should I give you any?"
A lawyer was attending a sold-out Broadway show. The woman sitting behind him asked why the seat next to him was empty. The lawyer explained that his wife couldn't make it. When the woman asked if he didn't have relatives or friends who could have used the seat, he replied, "They're all at her funeral".
A lawyer was attending a sold-out Broadway show. The woman sitting behind him asked why the seat next to him was empty. The lawyer explained that his wife couldn't make it. When the woman asked if he didn't have relatives or friends who could have used the seat, he replied, "They're all at her funeral".
Three surgeons were discussing their favourite type of patients. The first said, "I like librarians. When you cut them open, everything is located by a numbering system".
The second said, "I like engineers. All their parts are colour coded".
The third surgeon said, "The easiest are Lawyers. They are heartless, brainless and spineless, have only two parts, their mouths and their backsides, and both are interchangeable".
The third surgeon said, "The easiest are Lawyers. They are heartless, brainless and spineless, have only two parts, their mouths and their backsides, and both are interchangeable".
A traffic warden, a thief and a lawyer die in a plane crash and go up to Heaven's gates together.
When they get there they are stopped by St. Peter, who says: "Sorry, it's crowded up here, you need to answer a question correctly, or else you can't come in".
He looks at the traffic warden, and asks, "What was the name of the famous ocean-liner that sank after hitting an iceberg?"
"Oh, that's easy", the traffic warden replies, "The Titanic”……So St. Peter lets her into Heaven.
Next he turns to the petty thief and asks, "How many people died on that ship?". "Oooh, that's tough, but I saw the movie, and I think it was 1,500"….. St. Peter steps away and the thief walks into Heaven.
Finally, St. Peter turns to the lawyer and says, "Name them!".
When they get there they are stopped by St. Peter, who says: "Sorry, it's crowded up here, you need to answer a question correctly, or else you can't come in".
He looks at the traffic warden, and asks, "What was the name of the famous ocean-liner that sank after hitting an iceberg?"
"Oh, that's easy", the traffic warden replies, "The Titanic”……So St. Peter lets her into Heaven.
Next he turns to the petty thief and asks, "How many people died on that ship?". "Oooh, that's tough, but I saw the movie, and I think it was 1,500"….. St. Peter steps away and the thief walks into Heaven.
Finally, St. Peter turns to the lawyer and says, "Name them!".
A lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates. To his dismay, there were thousands of people ahead of him in line. To his surprise, St. Peter left his desk at the gate and came down the long line to where the lawyer was, and greeted him warmly. Then St. Peter and one of his assistants took the lawyer by the hands and guided him up to the front of the line, and into a comfortable chair by his desk. The lawyer said, "I don't mind all this attention, but what makes me so special?"….St. Peter replied, "Well, I've added up all the hours for which you billed your clients, and by my calculation you must be about 193 years old!"
A defence lawyer says to his client: "I've got good news and bad news. The bad news is your blood test came back and the DNA is an exact match with the sample found on the victim's shirt."
"Damn," says the client. "What's the good news?"
"Your cholesterol is down to 140"
"Damn," says the client. "What's the good news?"
"Your cholesterol is down to 140"
Two lawyers were walking along negotiating a case "Look", said one, "let's be honest with each other".
"OK, you first", replied the other.
That was the end of the discussion.
Three partners of a firm were attending a convention out of town. As the plane carried them to their destination, one of the partners gulped and told the second partner, "Oh my gosh, I forgot to lock the safe". The third partner said, "There's nothing to worry about. All three of us are here!"
A local newspaper mistakenly printed an obituary for the town's oldest practicing lawyer. The lawyer called them immediately and threatened to sue unless they printed a retraction. The next day, the following notice appeared: "We regret that the report of Attorney Smith's death was in error".
Two small boys meet on their first day at school. "What does your daddy do?" asks Billy.
"My daddy’s a postman,’ says Tommy. "What does your daddy do?"
"My daddy’s a lawyer," says Billy.
"Honest?" says Tommy.
"No, just the usual sort!"
"My daddy’s a postman,’ says Tommy. "What does your daddy do?"
"My daddy’s a lawyer," says Billy.
"Honest?" says Tommy.
"No, just the usual sort!"
A man walked into a lawyer’s office and asked what the charges were - "£300 for three questions".
"Isn’t that a bit steep?" asked the man.
"Yes," said the lawyer. "And your third question?"
"Isn’t that a bit steep?" asked the man.
"Yes," said the lawyer. "And your third question?"
Finally, remember……old lawyers never die - they just lose their appeal!
Feel free to email us your jokes to hannah.harrison@follettstock.co.uk
Truro Business Park, Truro, Cornwall TR4 9NH T: 01872 241700
© Follett Stock Solicitors. All rights reserved.
Regulated by the Solicitors Regulation Authority (SRA)